Thursday, 14 February 2013
Feeling very stressed out
Things were progressing well in terms of evidence. I had text message evidence and we had asked Ann Summers for the CCTV and were waiting for that.
However I can tell you the last few weeks were hell.
It felt like I was running a marathon that never ends.
The first two weeks of being on bail were almost like a "high". It felt surreal. I had plenty of determination to prove my innocence and had plenty of energy. But after two weeks the body started to ache. After two weeks of constantly thinking about rape allegations you get tired.
Very tired. And very agitated.
I found myself going on long walks for hours and hours, listing to music in an almost obsessive manner. Imagining the day when I would be set free from this hell.
I remember listing to one of Primal Screams albums over and over again.
It would take me hours to get to sleep at night. When I did get to sleep I tended to sleep well, but I was agitated during the day.
My work suffered terribly. I went to some business lunches and I just could not engage with anyone. My mind kept drifting to the rape allegations, my eyes kept darting around the room, as I was lost in thought.
I had also been very antisocial. I live on Kings Rd in London which is a busy high street and usually I'd be out several times per week grabbing a coffee or beer with friends. But.
The last 5 weeks I locked myself in my flat and just watched movies. I just couldn't handle people. My friends ok, but not strangers.
One of the things that really got to me is that i was smoking heavily. I had given up on the 1st of January but after the allegations I started smoking again. I was on 30 cigarettes a day.
I'd lost a lot of weight as well.
And one of the worst things was that my accuser was having a great time. All whilst I was suffering she was going to various parties with friends. She'd even updated her Facebook profile of her laughing.
I felt she did on purpose to antagonise me, as a sort of "haha can't catch me".